An outbreak of tomato flu is in the headlines. This alarming new super-virus (a parody of avian flu) can be traced back to a turkey farm in Turkey. The news networks advise on the best way to avoid tomatoids in food such as tomato ketchup. In other news: a man is injured by a frozen block of urine.

A report that an island has gone missing in the Barents Sea triggers paranoia about rising sea levels in Lincolnshire and the end of the world as we know it. In other news: teenagers' attention spans are now as low as eleven seconds.

Reports on commemorations around the country to mark the day Britain reached the half-way point in the last World War. In other news: The MADI music awards are here again, without last year's controversy.

The publication of a Home Office report which reveals that the majority of teenagers are now criminals leads to a series of news stories from the country's worst-hit areas. A picture of Britain in which the teenage population "now effectively feral, roam Britain's urban landscapes in packs of up to fifteen at a single time." In other news: East Anglia could be gone within a decade.

Reaction comes from around the world to rumours that Bolivia might have acquired nuclear weapons. Including a report from The White House: This is a bad day for the good guys, President Bush. In other news: A cross-eyed man kills a horse while trying to shoot himself.